Friday, March 20, 2009

Damned if I do

So I'm sitting here today and I'm feeling uncharacteristically sorry for myself.

It's the first day of Spring (which I love) and it's downright chilly outside. I'd like nothing better than to throw on some jeans and a tshirt and run around outside with Thomas. Alas, we would have to bundle up and it's just no fun playing outside when your nose is running. And my garden is no where near being started.

Although Kenny and I are doing better financially than we were a few years ago, we're still no closer to any of the goals we have. The main one? Buying a house. This is the absolute best time to buy a house and we just can't. We've been paying off the debt from the stupid mistakes of our childhood, but they seem to be never ending. It will take forever for our credit to be at a decent point for us to look into purchasing a home. And by then, the market will be back up and it'll be damn near impossible to find soemthing we can afford. I'm tired of renting and living next to a constant stream of neighbors, most of which are a pain in the ass... slamming doors at all hours of the night with me constantly worried that it will wake Thomas.

I got in trouble at work on Wednesday and now I feel like everyone thinks I don't do a good job, even though I work my butt off. On Wednesday, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch, curl up and cry. But I couldn't. Kenny didn't feel good and I had to take care of Thomas and put him to bed. I just wanted to be held and comforted but Kenny was in no position to do so. He started running a terribly high fever and I had to take care of him, too. It turns out my poor husband has the flu!

So maybe why I'm feeling bad for myself now is that I finally have some time to actually do it. Both the boys are taking naps and I'm sitting here in the quiet. *sigh* I usually try to avoid feeling sorry for myself because it doesn't lead anywhere... it doesn't solve any of your problems... but sometimes I just can't help it.

Everyday that goes by, I love my little boy more and more. He fills my days with joy and I feel such a huge satisfaction in watching him grow and learn. But sometimes, when I look at him, I just want to cry with the pain of knowing that my dad never got to see him. Never got to look at his beautiful face or hear his wonderful laughter.

And then I think of how I would love to have a sibling for Thomas. But, it was so hard for those first few months on both Kenny and myself. For me, it was trying to deal with all the dissatisfaction of how my labor turned out, the physical pain of dealing with the c-section, the guilt over only breast feeding for 3 weeks, the stubborness of wanting to do everything that I just couldn't. For Kenny, it was having to reimagine how our life was. He wasn't fully prepared for the challenges that a baby brings... and not knowing how to fix a problem that someone can't tell you about.

Of course, all of those thing were worth having Thomas in our lives. I'd love to see a little girl running after him. But in addition to trying to convince Kenny (a huge hurdle, let me tell you), we would also have to move. There's enough space for the three of us, but adding another would just be impossible. And then I have to consider all the daycare issues. *sigh* It's just not possible. At least, not for the near future.

So, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself... for all the things I want and can't have, even though I work hard at trying to get them. Eventually I will realize all the blessings I have and refuse to think about the negatives. But for today, I'm just too tired to push those negative thoughts away.


  1. Hey, sometimes you just need to take time to have a pity silly as it sounds, it's true...
    And then you can cheer up and knit a pair of sunglasses!